5 of the most annoying people you’d meet at gyms!

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Just a gentle disclaimer before we go full-throttle into this subject – I must admit that I’m kind of a gym bunny. No, not the overly muscled weight-lifting kind or “that chick” who spends hours on the treadmill hoping to burn some semblence of butt-fat with hopeless consistent uphill walking (read: walking).

Having frequented gyms since I was 15 (and having discovered that constant dieting did nothing for my waistline, it was time to up the ante and step into that place of sweat and intimidation), I have more than a bone to pick with some (or rather, most) of these people.

You might be scoffing at this article, rolling your eyes (watch out there, if the wind changes it’s direction you’d be stuck that way) or even shaking your head in disapproval, then there’s probably a 90% possibility that you’re probably one of these idiots I’d be mentioning down below.

Having fully embraced the true joys and heartaches of both private, public and even home gyms, which are usually crawling with sweaty, grunting, constipated-faced soul crushers with their too-heavy weights and improper weight lifting techniques, the one and only one consolation I have in keeping up my tolerance for this influenza breeding ground would be the miraculously toned behind that I can wisely smile and nod my head, calling my one and only pride and joy.

 

1. The Constipated One

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Now, I’ve been teasing my boyfriend about this one for ages. Also known as the grunter, it’s when muscle-heads like him lift a bunch of heavy weights (and by that I mean 100kg and above) and start making a spectrum of startling noises.

Special trademark: Halfway through their set, they start making this weird constipated face, where the colour of their skin turns a vivid shade of red, eyes popping alarmingly, air rapidly hissing out of their lungs, topping it off with a terrifying “UHHHGGGGGGGGHHHAHAAAAWWWHHHHHH”.

And that was how Steven Spielberg came up with Jurassic Park.

 

2. The Boob-Toucher

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WOAH calm down there. Before you get ahead of yourself, let me put a disclaimer out there that people like these (100% of them male) touch their OWN boobs. Yes, I call them boobs, because not only are they splendidly larger than my own modest ones, but those gleaming pectorals deserve their own bra size.

Special trademark: They touch their chests after every single rep to reassure themselves that their muscles ARE indeed growing rapidly. Most of the time, they tell their girlfriends/lady friends that the reason why they do it is to ‘check if they’re using the right muscles to lift’.

Let’s be real here. They’re being vain, end of story.

 

3. The Brotherhood of Man

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Alright BOYS, we get it. It’s the one day of the week that you manage to prettily sync up your busy schedules to talk about your feelings. We love that you boys are getting in touch with your inner chatty-cathys, but here’s the deal: Not only have you managed to piss off the entire weight room with your constant jibber jabber, but you’ve been hogging the one piece of equipment for the last hour.

Special trademark:

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Yes, it’s that bad.

For pete’s sake, try going solo for a bit, your sausage buddies will survive. Hopefully. #Independence, boys.

 

4. The Hogger

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Mine, all mine.

These people are the equivalents of little puppy dogs, reminding me of my own dog annoyingly so. Try taking my dog’s chew toy from him, even when he’s not playing with it. See what happens. These hoggers have got their plates stacked in a corner, and their dumbbells strewn around the little makeshift workout station they temporarily call home.

Special trademark: Even though they’re not using them, they insist that they are each and every time you approach them to ask if they’re done with the weights.

Note: These people are usually muscled, defined, and incredibly sexy. If you can look past their annoying trademarks, their bodies can also be viewed as amazing. Seriously.

 

5. The One with the phone

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No, they don’t look anything like this guy. They’re usually skinny weirdos with a bad case of acne.

 

Maybe you’ve realised that this is a gym, not Tinder. Save your chit-chattering for tea-time with the lads, and for the love of god, SIT SOMEPLACE ELSE.

Trademark: They’d hog the particular piece of equipment till you approach them to use the machine, in which they’ll hastily whip the phone out of sight and begin their ‘workout’, leaving you royally pissed and ready to jam icepicks through their kneecaps.

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